Saturday, 27 December 2008

and i wonder how

nothing and
almost everything
touches my heart these days
at times, in a nicer way
most of the times,
it’s just crude

Monday, 15 December 2008

kerela

it was touch and fly
with that bluer sky
fish currry and prawns fry
us, so high
the traditions so bright
the moonlight and the river
the moments so right
leaves me with this desire
only to go back.

Sunday, 30 November 2008

cold

it's peace
again

Monday, 17 November 2008

connexion

sometimes,a laptop also needs a desktop.

they say,look before you leap;
but when i looked, it did not leap.

you read my mind
(banana bar-14th Nov)

-Tanaya Kaji in verse with me

Friday, 7 November 2008

one misted night

Because it takes a brilliant sales person who's a natural comic to convince herself that strawberry is chocolate

- Tanaya Kaji on me

Tuesday, 21 October 2008

twisted twig-er

how the fear of regret overwrites your instincts!

Wednesday, 15 October 2008

words no more

i craved.
i hoped. i wished.
i even prayed.
then i cried.

Saturday, 11 October 2008

the last one

no matter how much
your eyes make me feel whole,
my eyes suffer to look into your soul;
from my eyes we know what i see,
from your eyes i know we'll never be !

Wednesday, 1 October 2008

low

i did not want you to walk away from me
and you never understood why

i could not ask you to stay back
and i never would know why

come,
if you want to
coz i do

Wednesday, 24 September 2008

cleaned up mess

e-mall shoot pics, back from
the year 2005
our salsa dance performance video
our pics sent by zook;
these were the memories i stumbled upon
while cleaning my CD rack
i am back again at the same
place; visited often
down the memory lane
ironic

the fear of that uncontrollable
nostalgia rush
which brings back everything
that i wanted to leave behind

am i not done
with those times yet?

Thursday, 18 September 2008

zonked

it was the prolonged
derangement of senses
intense; very
i get drawn towards
the most thought upon place
frequently visited; familiar
so called the ‘memory lane’
i marveled
at the speed with which
things move on;
beats you all way long, and how
i have a fatal memory of
those dreadful times
hapless and not so emotion-less
i was sinking, i knew
all way long
and i still would sink in
despite the cue
while i sail in
that memory lane
amused at that
incomplete rhythm
the lonesome bond
i feel unpredictably
relieved now

i stare at the sky, many-a-times
i marvel, again
‘this ain’t that bad after all!’
i smile, and i walk on
immune
to this world, to you all
it’s so much better now, this way
it was not a wrong choice then
it isn’t a wrong move still
it will never be the wrong way, again
ever

Monday, 15 September 2008

never mind

so, i was carefully
watching at the shape of those tiles
aah, they are triangular
mix of red and brown, i thought
i was carefully
staring at the lines it made
wondering if anyone ever noticed them before
i hit the tree, and my glasses broke
i picked them, carefully
and continued walking, back home
i was zonked, still;
as i carefully pick these
callous words, trying to
be careful while write this
random shit !

so,
realisation number one,
mumbai club rules suck!
in fact they have none.
ask me for more details,
and i shall fill ya in with all.
realisation number two,
roast of hugh hefner, kicks ass!
watch it.
realisation number three,
manali is smooth.
if you love playing with those
twsited twigs,
you should try painting it
black, this time.
realisation number four,
'it' was on my mind all the time!
but you need not know this.
realisation, with negotiation
zenzi fellas, this time i place ya,
in the 1st category. sigh.

Thursday, 4 September 2008

sleepless

it's 4am
while we share this last cigarette
of the pack,
for this nite

this woman doesn't let me sleep
but since she cooks for both of us
i can't really complain. can i ?

btw, it was a holiday today
and i worked all day long
after last nite's escapade of
maan gaye mughal-e-azam
and the unsolved mystery
of that nasty text to random people
life is just as random as this post
phew..!

Tuesday, 26 August 2008

Friday, 15 August 2008

unfolded

i just got done with my packing,
after those arguments,
ones, not really uncalled for
sent some work related mails
watched mum sleep for a while
still fighting against this feeling
that i'll miss them to eternity
and here i am, sleepless
am gonna miss Mumbai
the people, the work,
my home.
for some reasons, unknown
while i still wonder
walk for? or
walk with?
i will cherish today's conversation
with you.

p.s. Rohit, thanks for the call and your wishes.
Surdy, i mailed ya to let ya know that am off for a holiday.
Rishi, thanks for a quick drop. It was good to see ya.
Arjun, sorry about that call again.
Meghna, thanks for remembering that am gonna be away for a week.
Sonia, it was great to have you home!
Anita, thanks for your sweet wishes.
Jobita, thanks for your contact in SL.
KD, thanks for the info and your contact in SL.
M, yes finally am done with all the chaos, but you must be asleep by now.
Maya Bhai, am gonna miss ya and remember to miss me thrice a week atleast:)
Fattu, dont forget to text me what i told ya. and dont frown.
hephail, have a blast in goa man!
Toi, you said you'd call ?
Alio, i can hear ya one more time, 'am so busy, really'
A, you'll be on my mind, somehow.
Sheen, i'll see ya in Colombo today!

Saturday, 2 August 2008

impulsive thoughts

He says with a sigh..
Your schedule is too bad
Been months since we even spoke
She complains, you have no time
To return that call
He states with a concern
You never answer the calls
How busy have ya been
Trust everything is okay?
The others say
That’s how Mumbai is!
We told you..
new friends huh?
no time for us?
dude wats up with ya man?
And the story goes on!!
‘I know!’
I say each of those times
Sometimes with genuine admittance
Other times with no regret
Most of the times
With disappointment

Really, that’s exactly
How Mumbai is!
That’s really how
My life has become here.

I miss ya guys all
I miss the genuine fun times we spent
I miss how each one of you would call
To know if I was okay?
I miss those plans where I would be dragged in
Unnecessarily, and asked to join in
You all knew, I would love it anyways
And would throw those intended tantrums
I loved the way you all called me
so called a drama queen
And love me for it anyways
I miss those surprise rides
And undeclared visits
The fights that used to end up in
Another emotional drama
Followed by those innumerable hugs!
I miss those hours and days we spent
Over sheesha, on a terrace, on that couch in the hall
On those smoke breaks down the building
On those luncheons and dinners and drinks
Movies and weekend trips,
Laughing off after those joints
Bitching about our work and complaining
Those coffee shops we would spend hours at
Doing zilch, the tradition

What am I doing here really?
I can’t find the connect, the warmth
I can’t find you here!

p.s. rishi, trq, arjun, prav, lisa, krsitina
ronaldo, eihab, bilal, sheen, rohit, papajee,
surdy, alio, bruce,chariot, wns,magda,
high spirits, Hermes, adrash, dimmie, rana,
tumbu, janish, raman, ammar,rémi, db,
alok, fp, odyssey,shruti, rabeeca, shaila,
luke, hugo, club 8, touch,sheesha..

Amidst everything and all
I miss ya guys the most!

Wednesday, 30 July 2008

you & me

i decided
not to wait for you
anymore

i tried
i failed

there are no questions left
anymore

Monday, 28 July 2008

nut-shell

'Avatar' & ' Twilight zone'
was amazing
Taken, Nim's island
Film noir
engaging.

'Fate'- intriguing
frowning bit- gimme a break!
pokerroom- hmm
wHasHed out- super
One of those 'Seven' - a sin
maggie & schezwan- Total truce!

the laughter. the visits.
Nice

Wednesday, 23 July 2008

random pre-fix-es

why do people have so many reservations?
about everything? Even about themselves?
how would they prefer to present themselves
what need they speak
what group-ism order must they keep
how need they behave
follow a certain pattern..
pre-defined notions
pre-fixed criterion
pre-judge everything
and the list is endless. So on.
the ‘perception management’
is misunderstood and widely misused
and how
there’s a massive difference
between diplomacy and hypocrisy
are people matured enough to understand
and understand enough?
ironic
disappointing
a disease.

but who cares anyways?
it’s the evolvement
not in everyone’s reach, perhaps
they have right to choose
and it’s their choice, ultimately
indeed, a fatal one

there has always been a difference
between who you are and who you intend to be
what you possess and what you want
the extremes of want- what you need
it has seeped in so much
people have started carrying
a strong personality conflict
a complex they want to deal with
a constant fight
between Id, Ego, SuperEgo
it’s Sacrilege!
philosophically, however
an accepted one. usual.
you carry on with your world of dilemmas
in this array of illusions
the strategic defeated manipulations
arrogant proud diplomacy
marathon to follow everyon-ism

distant from this hoax,
I move on.
Get hooked or stay away.

Monday, 7 July 2008

haunted for real

30 minutes
Is all what you are left with,
To breathe your last breath
Ever wondered who all
amongst those zillion
would you crave for
to say helloe?
Felt guilty for
That confession you never did.
Would you think why
You could never tell
How much you missed them?
thought if you could see them
Just for that last time..?
How sorry you are
for not able to make that call.
you promised.
Be vulnerable,
way you wanted to!
just for them?
Told that secret
They begged you to utter
Made that dinner
That is long due
Drove in that red alfa romeo
Just the way you dreamt of
Hid the journals, those pictures
ones you didn't want the world to see
It’s going to be
yet another non-existential world
Should they know
The real you? At least now?

All is fake. an illusion.
This world of unreal
Figment of our imagination
Misfit with its simplicity
Of humongous complications
that hazes your perceptions
And twists the real you
It scares me!
haunts me.

let me be. let me live
Way I would
In those last
thirty minutes.

Saturday, 28 June 2008

what next?

black, orange, green
yellow?
* smiles

Sunday, 22 June 2008

closing time

the same sinking feeling
after we kissed good night
as i lit my last cigarette of the day
I sit alone
place we sat together once
just few hours before.
thoughts sink in deeper
disproportioned mix,
of melody and melancholy

the door bell rings
I smile, knowing it’s you,
I smile again, while opening the door.
you stand there, and smile back
I wait for the moment
I wait to eternity
I wait for you to come in
I wait to kiss you
and I wait for your warm hug.
I hope, and I hope
for the time to stand still

your shoes next to the door
the socks on the floor.
i think, I think of you
I think of your touch
and I think of our conversation
we had before we kissed.
castled by the gloomy thoughts
my heart sinks, sinks again
I wonder if you are already asleep
I wonder if you are waiting for me
I wonder, I think. I wish.
to kiss you again, and always

I stub my cigarette
silently walk inside, beside you
I look at you and I hope
hoping this night could last longer
atleast this time, atleast for once
assuring myself, you would wake me up
to take back your tee
at that inevitable moment of hatred
when it's time for you to go

I watch you wear the shoes now
that rested next to the door, all night long
along with my soul at peace
being next to you
sign of the time when you had come
you kiss me bye and I open the door
this time to watch you go
you hold my hand and I watch
I watch you leave

the shoes are gone, and so are you
the night is gone, and so is my peace
what remains
along with the cigarettes stub
is this same
sinking feeling

Sunday, 8 June 2008

hangover

The keys on the bed
The mobile on the table
And the cigarettes we shared
The splash of water in the bathroom
After you took that shower
Your black tee that I wore
And your strategic win to take it back
Those unsaid smiles
And amused me
‘wat’s on your mind?”
the similar familiarity
answered with those smiles, again
The conversations we made
And the kisses I stole
The hands we held
and the eyes that talked
The music you loved
and the songs I played

The other side of bed,
Is empty,
The days are incomplete
Since you kissed and left
The cigarettes you stubbed
and the glass of lime water
you sipped on
the sound of your laughter
and the feel of your hands
the words you spoke
n the looks we exchanged
your smell that lingers
everything, and
this prolonged wait
remains.

But you.

Tuesday, 3 June 2008

water mishap

8:50pm
(close your eyes n relax now
1,2...9,10)
8:55pm
crazy folds of wind
(the other side now
1,2..9,10)
9:00pm
familiar clattered sounds
(alright! see you guys tomorrow)
9:05pm
my 1st rain in mumbai.
9:07pm
excited n stuck at the door;i call him
9:15pm
a girl from class offered to drop me,
i agree, instantly
9:25pm
wet, messy, wet, chaos
i rearrange the stuff
(2 days at a row)
soaked in water, again
exasperated

Pretty-Ugly

Weekends are generally the easiest to pamper yourself. It’s not surprising, how almost all the beauty salons are packed with people all day long. Not to forget, you are in long queues if you haven’t taken a prior appointment.

Since I had no appointment like zillion others, I joined the queue and decided to wait for a while. I generally walk off and prefer to carry forward my visits to the next time. It was flattering that their observation resulted in obliging me and I was called in much quicker. Finally I was taken inside the room- where they do the waxing and some facial clean ups etc etc. The radio was running in the background; one of my favorite songs on air..! The song made me felt sick though, I couldn’t enjoy it for some reasons. I sit there and wait for my hands to be soaked. A girl in mid 20’s in front of me begins the conversation with a very amiable smile, ‘you’ve got beautiful hands and such nice nails, you don’t even have to do anything’. Beauty Parlours makes me miss my fun times with Sheen and reminds me how we used to waste long hours at Sridevi and Odyssey just because we were given the most prestigious treatment there, always! More than often, Sheen's impulsiveness would overpower her and she would be stuck in these really time-taking hair or face treatment. We would sit for hours having conversations and laughing on everything erroneously.

I do not like visiting parlors and I do not like visiting doctors. I hate attending weddings and am always lazy to go anywhere. I do not appreciate wasting money on beauty treatments (since they only make you feel ugly at the end) and I do not have obsession with shopping. I do not have qualms to be what I am and I distrust wearing make up.

Anyhow, so, while I was there eventually, getting nostalgic, listening to my music; I managed to give a faint smile and responded ‘I know! It’s the 1st time in my life I am getting a manicure done’. She smiles back ‘My husband loves long nails but since the time my daughter is born, I really can’t keep them’. Boy! She did look like a college kid. Amidst all this, I happen to notice this middle aged woman sitting on the chair to my right. She looked much older than she actually was, I thought. She had this severe anguish look on her face. She looked alone. She was humming the same song. My favorite. Her subdued green colored kurta and its make indicated how attention deprived she was. And how harder she tried to look nice. Not merely to look nice, but to feel better. To feel wanted and to be appreciated. She stopped humming, looked up, gave a forced smile and walked out. For some reasons, my heart ached for her. I hope she finds happiness soon, wherever; and in whatever fashion she wishes to!

After 15 minutes approx, my nails were filed and Wendell Rodericks nail paint was coated on my filed nails. It looked alrite. I stepped out to pay. Right then, one of the girls got up and came to pay in hurry, not missing to keep eyeing at her on the mirror, very conscious if her hair looked alright after those strenuous hours of getting them ironed. ‘I have to attend this party at 7 organized by Americans! You know how particular they are about time. I could have got ready and then got my hair done!” She pays and walks off. I let her pay before me.

While I looked for Rekha to give her some tip, I hear someone else on the phone; ‘what the fugg, why can’t you come out for some time at least, today is Saturday’.
No, I didn’t even have to ‘overhear’, she was loud enough.

I paid and walked out.
(..even I am going, you have to come for some time..) .. the sound fades off.

..Rickshaw..Carter Road?

Sunday, 1 June 2008

why again

referring to 'why'
i re-admit.

...yes,
it reaaaaally sucks..!!

Thursday, 29 May 2008

equation

it's the monotony of this busy life
and a mere equation
of love n hate.
..she overcomes.

it's the price you pay for being there
and hive on equation less feelings
to win some n to lose rest.
..she knows.

it's simply the passion to be what you are
you earn some n not regret what you don't
the only equation that remains constant
..she believes.

it takes two to tango
n you alone to survive
the only equation.the rest is zilch.
..she trusts.

..she moves on.

Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Strings..

Their new songs are stuck in my head.
Like really-really STUCK!!

Saturday, 24 May 2008

why

the want is so desperate
the desire is so strong
the thoughts are so irrational
the passion is so insane
the feelings are so deep
the mind is so possessed
the words are so meaningless
It sucks!

Inter-Connection

It was a different league of people the other day.

Designers, photographers, Body Soup, Bartender from Wafi City, Salsa and Capoeira dancers. And some more designers.

Free flowing good conversations, while we all sat around the right most table at ‘Just Around the Corner’ and Zenzi. By the way, JTC (as they say) has amazing spread of salad. I wasn’t disappointed at all with the food and people around. It reminded me of Sweet Chariot Café in some ways though. Just the crowd, those familiar faces, crazy Koragaon Park was a total miss! Amidst all the conversations, different thoughts took a stoll and my mind raced to a complete different zone. It is amazing how all people in each city have either one or more similar connections. I could just feel nostalgia running, once again.

Delhi is all about chicas and those ‘pretty’ looking guys! Things don’t look ugly till the actual word exchange with the ‘janta’ takes place. The inexpensive food, flooded Sarojini Nagar, Janpath and Lajpat Nagar, the crowd- all of it is simply addictive. The fashion conscious crowd (‘Pseudo’- if I may have to explain) can just strip you right there if ‘they’ think you are not aptly dressed. If you are not jazzily dressed and overloaded with cosmetics at 9 in the morning to buy groceries mon ami; you are NOT appropriate. In seconds you just fall below their so-called high standards. Little do they realize that their own style and traits are just too similar..! Across.
Despite all, those were the best times I ever had. I still miss GK-1, S-335, 20 of us, Hot Breads, Big Chill, IIT and me riding bikes right there at the boys’ hostel, awesome Pulse, event management, Ghungurus (Dublin now), Turquoise Cottage (Where another history was created :)!!), 24*7.

Hyderabad is primarily IT dominant. Be it Firangi Paani or Bottles & Chimneys, you categorize them all as ‘Satyam’ crowd if not the ‘Infy’ one! There are discounts for you almost everywhere, be it a shopping place or an eatery. It’s not surprising how a woman can be loaded with attention if she is even an inch above an average looker! Clubs can actually let 20 of ‘this’ woman’s stag friends enter on a Saturday night, only because she looked a little better! It’s amazing how you would always get this crazy yummy food anywhere across the city. Just drool on. AISECers- Big thanks to you!! I had series of those unlimited unforgettable, forbidden wacko times :)
Closest to my heart and so far the best place i've lived, the precious moments i've always cherished, the worst heart break i ever survived!
Nevertheless, cheers to Hyderabad. To Life there, as it is!

Pune has different niche of people, Pilots and the ones who aspire to be one. Eventually you''ll find them heading to California for their CPL training. Once in a while then you bump into this set of people who associate themselves with Merchant Navy- the second dominant. Iranians however over-rules both these aforesaid segments of people. If you happen to go for one of those Bacardi Blast parties at Kapila, you might just question your whereabout. Pune or Iran? The remaining last segment of people, widely spread, comprises of everyone else who is a student. ‘Apparently’ studying Medicine or Engineering. All said n done, the best part and my favorite – Undoubtedly you can never ever run out of places/people to smoke up with. It’s a different connection altogether. Essential, genuine and strong. Selfless, unsaid, understood one. Six degrees of separation fits in perfect.
I miss Chariot times, Soul and it’s Strange Brew, G2, Dabelis, WNS chai, late nite rides. And Shogun.

Mumbai, if it’s not about Stock exchange or Ambani brothers, it’s so full of Bollywood. If people are not actors or aspiring ones, most of them are connected to this Media and Entertainment world distantly. It's a paradox. Overflowing with people, and yet you stand there; alone.

It’s ironic how most of the Mumbaikars (as they say again) never have stepped out of this city to live anywhere else. Thoug I don’t blame them but I have a different thesis here. For instance, in a second you can learn to appreciate ‘space’ once you end up living in other cities. You automatically realize life aint easy here afterall. In a minute more you learn how people really live their lives in real which do not include only travelling in local trains! In an hour more, you would be in awe of that weather which for a change is not humid. Despite all, in a day perhaps, you would crave to come back to this life, continue sulking about the same traffic jams, the space crunched city, the expenses, the distance, the heat, the hectic life and everything around. You still love it :)

And so my life goes on too.
Right here. N Right at this moment. Because;
Yeh hai Mumbai meri jaan!!!

P.S. I really did not mean to give an overdose of comparative analysis. Just my pool of thoughts. As witnessed. From an eye of an immigrant :)

Saturday, 17 May 2008

Friday, 16 May 2008

Incomplete

I smiled all day long.
almost.

I don’t assume
Just that you assume that I do

two different worlds
two different times
two different feelings
too personified

Yet i choose to assume than to smile.
All day long.
Almost.

Nostalgia hush away
Let me smile all day long
One more time
And again

Thursday, 15 May 2008

Asceticism

About forty and more
Mix of both
Weaker ones are core
Their flexibility surprises me
Only because it’s beyond my reach
Just a matter of time
The familiarity would tell the tale.
Soon.

He is eminent, little did I know
His men are skilled and kind
The smiles indicate more
Though it wouldn’t change any
I am callous towards all
Overdose kills the amusement.
Always.

Inspiration was not mine
Effort is.
It's a revolution
That took years of determination
For so little. Yet so strapping
Everything hurts now, and the pain is intolerable
But I feel miraculous
It’s the moment of pride. I did it.
Again.

Tuesday, 13 May 2008

Illusion of reality

The movies we never watched
The songs we never sang
The walks that never happened
The phone that never rang

The dinner that was never made
The pictures you never took
The time I could no longer stop
The promises you never kept

The travel we never did
The moments you never lived
The laughter you never understood
The diplomacy I never liked

It caused pause & tolerance
Shift
After all this time, I am done
All I lost, was afterall just you
It's the contradictory truth
To sail smooth, Or just another
An Illusion

Saturday, 10 May 2008

Time lapse-Trail

Time lapse. The last note was almost 3 months back! It never fails to surprise me how I always manage to lose the track of two things- time and people. Rolling stones launch-My 1st time in Hard Rock Cafe was an adrenalin rusher. SRK's launch in Taj Land was the 2nd! Kamshet & native village. Naco Paul.Pictionary.Bunker beds. Series of ordinary and amusing events. Goa fest, an Experience! Array of movies topped with 'boom shankar'.Anthrax & inexplicable funny 'English Topper'. Nitro -the source of those endless stories.The funnier part-they are all true and his real ones.My 3 Projects going live in 3 months. Enquiry sheet touching 80 last week. Realisation-Not a good hit rate though.How I met your mother- New episodes. South Park-Season 11 & 12. Black metal Alchemist-crazy concept. Two and half men-Smooth Charlie. Unlimited new places- Exlploration.Quiet landlady and quiet neighbours at work now. Done away with the filtering and testing waters. Smooth sail.That info-seeking call -finally a satisfied feeling.That one day stay. n it still stays.still.

Monday, 18 February 2008

Mumbai - 1st Cut

Indifferent look. Neutral expressions everywhere and everyone you look at. Organized cars, auto rickshaws, taxis and yet more taxis and more cars. Loud horns. Fast pace of walking. No stares. Some more horns. Carter Road. Phenomenally small and over crowded Joggers park. Madhouse- BC webwise. Incredible Mandhwa. This 11am & 4pm Chai schedule. Unlimited smoking breaks. Mandy & Gaurang jiving in one of the rooms at work. Singing 80s’ songs. Coochoo cooing array of couples on Carter Road. The chai waalas on bicycles. Blabberring Sahil as my neighbour here. Irritating landlady peeping outside her window and calling me each time I step out in the morning. Bullets & Enfields. Bandra (W). Initially getting ripped everywhere. Survival.Interesting work. Creative people around. My messy home. My friends who I have known for quite sometime now before even I moved in here. Spicy version of Paani-Puris.